Friday, February 15, 2013

And on the third day

My friend Mimi sent me this as a Valentine card yesterday, I love it

 Email   Friday 2/15/13  8 am
Yesterday was spectacularly beautiful, and so was the day before, so I am so surprised to wake up to a sky which is gray and cloudy, not one bit of blue in it not one ray of sunshine.
I thought perhaps the sun has not risen yet, but it is now 8 am it seems time for sun to have risen, so maybe it is just a huge cloud cover.
Maybe the cloud cover protected us from the deep cold last night. I did not wake up to frost on everything this morning. And it was not freezing cold all night and in the morning.
 So I guess it is a trade off.  It was a relief not to have all that intense cold, but of course surprise not to have all the beautiful bright light and the beauty.
But I am so grateful for what we did have for past 2 days, that I am willing to totally accept it that today is gray and cloudy and will be an indoor day. Fine with me.
At least my good mood which is now in its 3rd day is continuing. I am infinitely grateful about that.
It's not that it was dismal or grim (my experience of the previous 6 weeks) but for sure it was not a mind you want to hang out in.
It was intense, and almost like reviewing your life. That’s the way it seemed to me.
For 3 straight weeks after I got my electronics squared away all I did was lie under the covers, and it’s as if my thoughts would not budge.
All I did was remember things in my life and look at them and look at my thoughts about them.
It was really the last thing I wanted to be doing, I was accustomed to so many hours of pleasant diversion with the TV.
Instead it was 8 hours alone with my thoughts with no escape.
But there were a few moments when I did realize it was productive. That I was getting somewhere. That as a result I was seeing a few things differently. Or maybe it was just a feeling which would rise up occasionally, “that this all does have value.”
That it is not just that the rug has been pulled out from under me, and for 3 weeks I am trapped under the covers with my thoughts.
There were a few occasions when it did occur to me I am learning from all this.
I had no idea what I was learning, but it all felt so urgent, and so purposeful, that I had to accept something serious was happening.
Even tho I kept saying “Where is my happiness! where is my sense of humor! I am not used to being so serious and intense about life these days.” Still that is what I was doing, and there was no way out of it.
I kept hoping I would find a reason for what was going on. I thought it would give me relief and comfort if I knew what was happening and why.
I never really did but by the last two days of it I did know it had a purpose even if I didn’t know what it was. And that did help.
Which is why it was such a happy surprise for me 2 days ago when I woke up and noticed I was in a good mood.  I had forgotten what a good mood was. Whatever had been going on lifted. It really did feel like life was coming back. And I was so very very grateful.
Love and kisses, Annie

No comments:

Post a Comment