a whole new life

Baby meerkats, wonderful photo on Facebook last week

Thursday morning  8:15 am  Valentines day

It is a beautiful morning in Tucson. Altho cold. There is frost on everything in the yard. And I am in front of my open window in 2 skirts a sweater and a sweatshirt. 

But on the desert when the sky is cloudless, it warms up as the sun rises higher in the sky. It is just a little after 8 am now, by noon it may be warm enuf to lounge in sunshine in a sundress.

My spirits have gone back up and my energy has come back in, and that is the main thing. I feel like a different person, or at least that I am having a different life. Even tho I am not doing one thing differently, my days are the same, there has been a sea change in my thoughts.  Like the trees in my backyard which are now reaching upward because the sap has risen, my thoughts are reaching upwards too.

They were mired down for 6 weeks and there was not one thing I could do about it. It’s as if they were under some kind of pressure which kept them tight and intense. There was simply no such thing as them taking off, becoming airborne, going anywhere. It was like 6 weeks of being in my own mind with no escape.  

Altho sometimes that got interesting too.  I felt like I was starting to know myself or know my own mind. I thought “is this what it was like for those yogis in ancient India who would go off to a cave for a year?”

Maybe that is what I felt like.  It was too cold to be outside, I was trapped under the covers with my thoughts.

But one thing which did come from it was the breaking up of all my mental habits. I was able to see my life differently. Sometimes it would go from extremes. One afternoon I remember it started out with me in tears, “what a terrible life I have, I have nothing in my life at all.”

But the thoughts continued and continued and by the end of that "session" I came to the opposite conclusion. I just saw it all differently. “My life is perfect” I saw, “everything about it is perfect, it suits me perfectly.”

Another thing which came from all of it is the chance I had to notice. There are people in my life I notice all the time, they are the ones I think about or email with. I guess there a relationship has been formed. But there are also people who are like an afterthought. You might send the email to them too if you are sending it to their sister or to your other friends at the public pool. They are like friendships where a tiny bud is born, but it never came into bloom.

And because you are lying there all that time with nothing and no one to think about, you think about them. You notice the last 2 emails they sent you, at the time they didn’t make an impression, or it was so light, or it got lost in the shuffle.

But now you notice them. What they said about their life. What their thoughts were. You get curious about their life, you get interested in them, they are starting to swim into focus for you. You want to be closer friends with them.

And in a way when this period is over, I don’t know if it is over, maybe just the darkness and intensity is over, there is more brightness now, there is more light and there is more life. Your thoughts have finally switched over to activities you want to do, projects you want to start.

Life is coming back.

But I think there is a change in relationships. Some friends prominent in your mind or heart, you really had a chance to see, and were finally willing to face too, that their life has moved on. You simply are no longer in their life.

Sometimes it is because they have simply become too busy with their new life. My beloved friend Patty from the public pool is like that. Suddenly all her children, her grand children and even the brand new great grandchildren are moving to Tucson.   She has a huge family life going on now, and she loves it. And that is great for Patty. I am so happy for her joy.

In the case of the two girls who were my best friends in NYC before I left, one may simply no longer want me in her life now. And the other is not on email and doesn’t like talking on the telephone.

During this time I had to chance to see it and be willing to finally let them go.

On the other hand new relationships did enter into my life during this time. Trapped under the covers in the freezing cold, all I had was my telephone and telephone address book.

I did call up my two boyfriends from high school, we have been out of touch for 15 years, altho the friendship had lasted until then.

Neither married, they just kept having girlfriends after me, and I don’t know if either has a girlfriend now.

I am a bachelorette now, they are both bachelors, we are allowed to be close and give each other a lot of attention.

And I really enjoyed it. I feel like I have a chance to get to know them now and to have a brand new friendship in my life.

One of them seems interested in pursuing it, the other hasn’t called back. But I am completely open. I didn’t expect that either one would want to be friends with me now, so whatever I get seems like pure bonus to me. Anything I get is a gift.

And I think that the fact that the door opened to this, is a sign that a door did open in my life. I think new friendships from unexpected places may enter.

I think I am going to have a whole new life. And I am glad about it.

Love Annie