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| I love this pic. I found it on FaceBook
March 14 2013 7
am
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I
did sleep in my back bedroom last night and I did watch TV. Like a normal person
with the sound on. I watched one of the old Perry
Masons. That was my favorite show to watch before everything went wicky wacky
on Christmas morning.
I
woke up with appetite too. Actually hungry. Wanting food. I wasn’t willing to
make hot oatmeal for myself but that is what I wanted.
And
I slept well and woke up with full energy.
It
is the bird calling which is outstanding. I woke up to that. And it hasn’t
stopped. It’s like every bird in Tucson
Yesterday
was all right. I know I had to drag
myself thru it but the day before had been so wonderful, my first
wonderful and happy day since it all began, that naturally I overdid everything.
Which is fine. I couldn’t not overdo everything. I was enjoying what I was
doing. And that was a first too since the whole thing began.
It
meant I was too excited and stimulated to sleep and then up at crack of dawn.
So
how could yesterday not be the type of day it was. I had to sleep off my day before.
Hahaha I had to sleep off my glorious day.
But
here I am again this morning fresh as a daisy.
It’s
almost as if the past 3 months were an illness, I took to bed, and now my strength
has returned.
It
wasn’t an illness of course, it was a huge major transition. But it had to be
treated as one because all I could do is lie in bed.
Eating
was out of the picture. And for the first 6 weeks so was sleeping. All I had
going for me was that occasionally I would doze off, and that would be my only
escape from the relentless intense thoughts in my mind.
LOL
it was no picnic. But as soon as I grasped it was a transition-- I was going
thru a transition, and everything which was happening had to happen, and I would
emerge better from it, it became endurable.
That
was really the whole thing, enduring it. Because it was nearly 3 months. I got
very good at enduring it until the last day of it.
I
spent that whole day trying to bear up and by evening I gave up. “This is unbearable”
I thought. I became desperate.
I
had started to have a few decent days when it hit for that last time.
In
some way it was like the weather. All thru the “thing” we had weather which is
not Tucson
Which
dovetailed with my inner life.
I
mean all I wanted to do was to lie in that
warm nest I had made for myself in my husband’s tool room next to the furnace. And because of the weather
that was all I could do too.
But it was miserable on the outside, miserable on the
inside. Altho occasionally it would occur to me it was the big clearing which
takes place before spring starts. The earth is having her big clearing too.
And then finally the weather lightened up and at the
same time I brightened up. We were partners in the same dance.
I began to feel my optimism rise.
It was warm and sunny. I spent the afternoon in my
backyard just drinking in all the bright light. I couldn’t get enuf of it, I refused
to return to the house.
And then out of nowhere suddenly that terrible storm.
The first day was just dark and overcast and cold,
I didn’t mind it so much I had had that glorious yesterday.
But the next day it got far worse. And it was like
a wind from hell blew in. It shrieked all day and got stronger and louder all
day and all night.
That was the day I tried to spend bearing up all
day. I was sick as a dog all day with the same symptoms this thing had brought
with it for its first 6 weeks. But just as bad were my thoughts. They weren’t
that terrible, not like the first 6 weeks, but I could not stand them. I could
not stand anything which went on that day. That was the day I spent all day
trying to bear up and could not succeed. The day I got desperate and gave up by
evening.
And I now think that was the last day of it.
After that the weather changed. Each day was warmer
and brighter and sunnier and more beautiful than the next.
And each day I would notice to my amazement I felt
good all day. And on the 4th day of it I had risen above it all. That was my
day of joy and happiness. That was the day of feeling wonderful.
I
had risen.
That
is why it felt normal that yesterday I slept all day and dragged myself thru the
day. It was all about resting up from the day before.
Yes
it could all be a big trick. There were a few times before when I thought I was
feeling normal again or had a good day, and I thought “WHEW it’s all over.”
But
listening to this bird call now, I won’t believe it is a trick.
I
want to believe it is all over. And I deserve to have it over. I did my time. I
mean the whole purpose of the whole thing is to bring in this glorious spring.
Eventually that has to happen. So why not now!!
Yes
there were 3 false springs before this, where my hopes were raised so much. But
it turned out just to be a flash in the pan.
But
so what! They encouraged me at the time and I was a girl desperate for encouragement.
And
this time I think it is the real thing.
I
don’t think winter can come back now, altho it did come back last week. Exactly
when I had pronounced it over.
But
there is too much new life blossoming out there for winter to come back now,
and happiness has risen in me too.
Whatever
pushed me down and held me down so long, how can it come back either. Even if I
have up and down days, they will be normal up and down days, not like during the
“thing.”
Well
we'll see what happens. But I am ready to believe we have risen and I am ready
to compare notes with everyone else now...
All
my love
Anne
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