At The Beach

At the beach (painting by Bill Pyne)

May 27th, third day of Memorial Day Weekend

I woke up this morning and was looking for something in the saved folder of my email. I don’t remember now what it was. I came across this tiny dream I had written down two months ago. I had forgotten all about it. I didn’t remember the dream or that I had written it down.  

I read it this morning when I woke up and it interested me. I decided to ask my Higher Self to interpret it for me. And I found what She said very interesting.

Here is the little dream.  And after that my Higher Self’s interpretation of it this morning.

Dream Friday March 23rd

I dreamt Bill and I were back in Old Forge. I said to Bill “we might as well buy a house here.”

At first naturally I wanted one in the countryside but then I realized how nice to be able just to walk to any store you want. So I said “we will get one in town.”

Then I went for coffee for both of us. I guess we were on the beach. Because I thought it was a long walk to Rudy’s.

So I tried that little snack shop right on the beach.

I thought to myself “here is where it all started” when I first walked in.

Sure enuf they were open, they served coffee.

But I forgot to bring money. I only had nickel and penny.

“I’ll be right back” I said to the woman behind the counter.

“Meanwhile make two coffees light and sweet.”

But when I went to find Billy I could not find him.

I had said to her “he is on blanket on the beach.”

But I guess I entered the wrong part.

I kept calling his name loud, hoping he would answer.

Interpretation by my Higher Self (I take down her words as she says them to me)

Anne had this dream a week after her second year without Bill had started.  She was scared when she saw on the calendar that the anniversary of his “change of address” was a week away. She thought “is it going to be emotional and intense for me. Will I cry.”

She hadn’t cried at the time it happened. Because I had lifted her up to a place so happy and high and love filled that tears were out of the question, sadness was out of the question. 

There was only the great adventure of a brand new life starting this instant.

But of course some tears came later. Usually in the evening. When she was lying in her backyard under the stars.

She knew he was perfectly happy, happier than he had ever been, she knew it was just a change of address. And they were in constant communication. His love for her was constant and increased. 

She was never away from his love but it seemed unbearable he wasn’t in the house with her. She did not want to be unhappy and I did not want her to be unhappy, So it only lasted a moment, that sob under the stars at night.

Instantly she would turn to me to be lifted up back into happiness again. Which I was able to do by tenderly and lovingly explaining everything to her. It was usually an hour. It was a long talk. 

It began off with an instant of suspense because Anne could see no way she could be lifted from such depth of unhappiness to high and happy place. 

But there is nothing I cannot do.

For me it is easy as pie. In less than an instant I had her drinking in my love and listening eagerly to my explanation. And by the time it was over she was higher and happier than she had ever been. And at perfect peace.

No one believed Anne when she told them she never lost her happiness when she lost Bill. But she was telling them the truth. 

She had found the way to hold onto her happiness. And I was the way. 

But of course two years later with her happiness assured, it had been two years of happiness, she was so secure about her happiness, and so relaxed into it, she assumed she would be open to any sadness which came her way on the two year anniversary. 

It never occurred to her there would be no sadness at all. But that is exactly what happened. None came to her.

And this is the dream she had before she woke up a week later.

Old Forge in Anne’s dreams is the emblem of paradise.  It is where she spent her childhood summers and her experience of them had been paradise. 

The dream opens up with her and Bill in Old Forge together. The first thing she says is “let’s buy a house here.”  Meaning let’s make our home here. She assumes she wants one in the midst of beautiful nature. 

Bu then she is practical. She realizes she will want to walk to everything, so she switches and says “we’ll get a house in town instead.” 

This is OK.  It’s a more balanced choice.  After all it’s a tiny town, just a hamlet in the Adirondack mountains.  The little hamlet is in the midst of beautiful wilderness. 

She wants both, the beautiful forest and a lovely happy easy life filled with treats in the midst of it. Living in town is good idea. It means she has envisioned her life there. She is planning to settle down there.

They are on the town beach when this conversation takes place. The beach by the lake where Anne spent every year of her childhood summers.  She knows that beach and that lake by heart.

She is one with that beach, with that lake too. The water of that lake and the sand of that beach. The beach has a little snack bar right on it. When she was a kid it had a pinball machine and the teenagers were always at the pinball machine. And a counter where they sold food. And a juke box. 

It is where Anne heard Rock Around the Clock for the first time. She heard rock and roll for the first time in that snack bar. And Elvis Presley too she heard for the first time there. (Heartbreak Hotel)otel

Because of the pinball machine, the teenagers, and the juke box, it was always the emblem of the teen age world for Anne.  A world of beautiful gods and goddesses, who do what gods and goddesses do.  Play pinball, look beautiful, listen to the jukebox. And do teenage things.

Her one dream as a child was to be a teenager. And be a goddess herself and hang out with the other gods and goddesses and have all the fun that gods and goddesses have.

She never sat at that counter or bought anything at that counter. She only went in to play pinball with her cousin Richie.

The beach had another snack bar, much smaller, further up the rocks. She never bought anything there either but she once watched in fascination as the girl made a grilled cheese sandwich for someone on the grill.  It looked so delicious to Anne. And she never forgot all the steps the girl did.

But if you walked past that other snack bar which was on a hill.  Continue walking up the hill over the rocks you came to Rudy’s. And this is where Anne did spend a lot of time and bought things. 

Every afternoon she went there for her ice cream cone. And then went back to get an ice cream cone for her mom. 

And when the beach closed, the lifeguards went home and the tourists left, she and her cousin Richie looked around and under all the benches at the back of the beach, and in all the trash cans, to find bottles to return to Rudy’s for two cents. And Anne bought comic books and candy bars with her share of the money at Rudy’s.

She loved Rudy’s, it had everything a child wanted.

In the dream she is all grown up and wants a container of coffee for her and Bill. She wonders if the beach snack bar sells coffee, she has no idea, or if she will have to make the trek over the rocks to Rudy’s for it.

But to her happy surprise the beach snack bar does have it.

She walks in, she is back in it, everything is the same as it was, and her first thought is “this is where it all began.” She means her life and her dreams.

But she forgot to bring money with her. She sees she only has nickel and penny. She has to go back to her husband to get the money. She says “He is on the blanket.  I’ll be back right away.  Meanwhile make us the coffee, two containers light and sweet.”

But she can’t find him. She realizes she entered a different part of the beach. She calls his name loudly, so he can wave her over to him.  But the dream ends with her calling his name loudly.

She has lost Bill. The snack bar stands for the world. After all her whole experience as a child was the lake and the beach. 

The snack bar was for teenagers. It was a teenage hang out. It stood for everything the world has to offer, but you have to be a teenager to have it. In fact being a teenager is what the world offers.

Anne couldn’t wait to be a teenager and have all that too. LOL she thought quintessential paradise was the future. She had stars in her eyes all the time about the future.

Her glorious future.

And while it is true when you did enter that paradise of being a teenager, you can never find your way back to the pure happiness you had as a child. The world and being a teenager turned out not to be fun at all, happiness is the happiness you had. It doesn’t get better than that. 

So Anne walks in and thinks “this is where it all began.”  Meaning this is where I first dreamed of the world and wanted so much to be in it.

Obviously in the dream, altho she is not aware of it, she and Bill are hanging out in Heaven together. She plans to settle down with him there. “We’ll buy a house here” she says.

She goes to get them coffee.  Light and sweet.

But she enters the world and can’t find him again.  Because he is not in the world. 

Poor little Anne. She doesn’t realize this. And thinks by calling his name loudly, he will hear her and call her over. But that’s not the way it works. She won’t find him in the world. Because they weren’t in the world. 

Darling the world is one place in your mind, Heaven is another. Honeybunch you were just looking in the wrong part of your mind for him. Of course you will be back with Bill.  It’s impossible he be taken from you. 

But honeybunch you will have to find the place in your mind where he is and you are too, and where you are always together, to be back with him. And eventually you will find that place.  Even if you haven’t found it yet.

I love you

Your Higher Self

My strange birthday

Everything about my birthday was strange
cartoon by Bill Pyne

My birthday was back in early April.  I remembered what happened that day, especially the afternoon and evening, because it was difficult and intense. 

But I completely forgot that in the morning I had written about my early morning. I just found that story now. And what interests me is the dream I had before I woke up.

I was driving a car, it was an automatic.

I had never driven an automatic before. My truck is the clutch. It all seemed so easy, I didn’t have to do any work.  It seemed to drive itself.  And it went fast too.

Sure my birthday turned out to be hell for me and the next two days too.  

But I now think it was the final step in the huge transition which had began in January.  Because after I was back on my feet again, my life did change so much for the better.  It did seem so easy, I didn’t have to do any work, it does seem to drive itself, and it goes fast too. 

Here is the story I wrote on my birthday

Wednesday April 3^rd  

A lousy birthday

Something weird is going on.  I don’t know what it is because it is not something which has happened before.

 First of all I slept too much last night. Who falls asleep at 8 pm and sleeps all the way to morning! 

Usually when I’ve had a long nap in the afternoon if I fall asleep at 8 pm, I am up for few hours in middle of the night.

The other thing is my dreams were different. I don’t remember how or why. They just were. I only remember one of them now. I was driving a car, it was an automatic.

I had never driven an automatic before. My truck is the clutch. It all seemed so easy, I didn’t have to do any work. It seemed to drive itself. And it went fast too.

The other odd thing is I seem to have twisted my foot while I slept. Who twists their foot while they sleep!  But this morning I am hobbling.

Yesterday was such a gloriously happy day, the last thing I expected was to wake up this morning and wonder how am I going to get around if I can only hobble.

I was so dismayed.

To lift my spirits I thought “tomorrow is my birthday why don’t I see if Baik Baik (my favorite designer) has pretty new skirts for spring.”

So I went back into the house (I had been lying in sunshine in backyard) and looked on her website.

There were 3 I liked of her new spring skirts, and one on sale from last year.

I knew no one would be in the office in Honolulu so I left the message on the machine.

“It’s my birthday” I said. “For my birthday present to myself I want to buy your pretty new skirts. Can you call me back when it is convenient for you. Love Annie in Tucson.”

When I got off the phone I was thrilled. I knew it came to $300 altogether but I decided to throw money to the wind. Never in my whole life did I throw money to the wind.  Never in my whole life did I expect to.

But I thought, It is an emergency. I  didn’t want to be so unhappy on my birthday.  I wanted to be lifted up, and buying myself the pretty new skirts did even more than that. 

It reversed the funk I was falling into and made life wonderful.  I was getting such fabulous birthday presents.

And I hobbled back to my comforter on the ground in the sunshine. And thought “what a strange morning, maybe it means something wonderful is coming into my life.”

A brand new optimism opened up before me.

Post script few days later 

I completely forgot that I thought my life was going to change for the better because for the rest of that day and the next two days it changed so much for the worse!

Whatever booboo started up in my foot while I slept increased so much that by the evening I couldn’t walk on it. 

I spent the afternoon and evening on the cot in the tool room again while the cooler technician set up my coolers for the summer.

He was an angel to me.

Both he and his boss when his boss came over to help him were angels.

I tried to get up when his boss came over but nearly fell over.

By 9 pm the discomfort had been so relentless for two hours, I called up Jim. “My ibuprofen is in my back bedroom but I can’t walk there to get it. Will you come over to bring it to me?”

Jim was already in bed. “Let me get dressed I’ll be right over.”

He brought me my ibuprofen and an iced cold 7 Up from the frig.

And petted and loved Priscilla who was lying on the dresser next to me.

Jim saved me. It wasn’t only the ibuprofen and soda.  He broke the spell of the worry that I had fallen into.  The discomfort itself was barely noticeable, it just worried me so much that I could not walk. 

I had to break out of that gloom. And Jim’s arrival and help did all that for me.

From the moment he walked in the door I switched gears and relaxed. And when he left I thought “well maybe it will all be OK.”

Summer in Tucson

Mama Lion licking her cub

Tucson, May 22  very early morning 

Summer on the desert has arrived. The loveliness of this early morning time is pure joy. It is oddly simple. Just the call of the morning dove filling the air, that deep penetrating call. Some faint twittering coming from nests.

And this amazing light. Who can describe 5:30 in the morning summer desert light. It is a pearl light but not milky like a pearl. The color of pearl but crystal clarity.

I know what it is like! It is as if you were looking thru something and suddenly it came into perfect focus.

You hadn’t realized it was slightly blurry, slightly off, till suddenly it is perfect focus. And it takes your breath away. Because the sublime beauty is in the perfect focus. It makes everything you look at beautiful.

The way you can see the detail. The curlicue leaf on the desert tree right out my window I see is made up of tiny green horizontals with space between each one.

Not only do I see all the little horizontals but I see the minute space between each one. The air shows thru it. They are almost like see-thru leaves. No wonder they can take the great heat of our summer. Most of the leaf is air. Air blows thru every part of it.

LOL it is like a leaf in a string bikini. Hardly anything is covered up. They can take the great heat of our summer because the leaves are all dressed in their string bikinis. The air blows around them and thru them at the same time.

The golden light of the sun is coming in now.  Turning the leaves green.  My backyard is no longer the pearl color of dawn, that grayish pearl. 

The tree out my window has turned a luminescent green.  It is lit up from a ray of the sun.  In the back of yard it is still shade, the leaves are all dark green now. LOL forest green. But they too will turn chartreuse when the sun’s light reaches them.

I bet the tree and their leaves love bathing in the sun’s light when it is the gentle light of early morning. The light is gentle and golden and air is still so cool.

I do not know how any living being can withstand the heat and brightness of our summer afternoons. But the trees are just like me delighting in this early morning loveliness, lovely in every way.

Not only the trees and their leaves but the huge pigeons in my backyard. Even my so very naughty cat, Cupcake. Hiding in the tall grass around the tree eying them intently. It is so suspenseful when Cupcake is in the yard, not moving a muscle patiently intently watching them. I know she is up to no good.   

O my darling birds. No wonder only the huge pigeons come into my yard now. Who would ever want to come into a yard where Cupcake is out to get you.

O she finally got up and is walking across the yard.  She walks like a tiger in the jungle. O she headed into that cactus underbrush on the side of the yard.   LOL I think she thinks she will have better luck finding small birds in that area.

Nothing about Cupcake is normal. On one hand she is the biggest scaredy cat in the western world, she won’t even let me pet her. 

Which makes no sense. She was born right here.  She still lives with her mother. Other than being taken to the vet to be fixed after she had her first litter of kittens, all she has had is life on a silk cushion. It has been a peaches and cream life. 

I wait on her hand and foot. But the closest she will come to me is to sit on my windowsill sometimes while I sleep.

Sometimes she will let me sneak in one pet when she is eating her kitty treats. She loves her kitty treats. And each time I get up she races to the table so I will pour out some more of them for her.

But she has those wild eyes. I notice them when I am passing on the patio from my bedroom to the kitchen and she is lounging in the hot afternoon in the shady spot of my patio on top of the washing machine. She looks up when I pass and I see her wild eyes.

She is always wary. 

O here comes a sweet young morning dove. He is hopping up my tree.They hop from branch to branch  And then fly off.

Well morning has started. It is no longer dawn’s early light out there. It is no longer perfect quiet and that sweet hush. I can hear the city starting up in the distance. 

O NO!  I saw bird feathers on the floor near the table in other room. Killer Cupcake has been up to it again.

I knew last evening when I passed by that table and I saw her crouched in the corner watching me with such secretive look on her face. As if she were hiding something and didn’t want me to take it away. 

You don’t realize how expressive cats faces are till you live with them.  Everything which is going on shows all over their face.

Smoking pot then and now

I found this cartoon posted on FaceBook last month

Buying pot then and now…

Sunday   April 21

Well the big adventure in my life is that yesterday afternoon, to my big surprise, Andrea’s husband called me to ask for a favor.

Andrea is my dearest friend from NYC.  She and her husband Dave moved to Tucson the same summer Ruthie moved to Ocean Beach CA.

The desert did not take for Andrea and Dave. They had been living in the woods in NY State when they moved to Tucson. And as soon as they sell their house here they will move back to the woods.

But people stopped buying houses at exactly the same time they finally completed the year's labor of getting their house ready for the market. Andrea’s husband did so much work.

They finally had to take it off the market after several years of it not selling and always lowering the price. But their dream hasn’t changed. They still want to get back to the woods.

I rarely see them, but I used to talk to Andrea on the telephone once a month.

Because she is New Age like me, we could talk about everything from a New Age point of view, which I totally appreciate as I do not have that with anyone else.

But the last few months brought such unexpected difficulties into their life I haven’t heard from her at all.

Which is why I was surprised when her husband called me yesterday afternoon to ask for a favor. To lift their spirits, he wanted to know if my cousin Gloria could buy them a little pot. I was a pot smoker all thru my twenties, but I have not bought any pot since then.

And I only listen with half an ear when Gloria tells me about buying a little pot for herself, she buys such a tiny quantity. I knew last month Chico, the guy who sells it to her said he doesn’t have any now.

And reaching Chico is always a problem. Either Chico doesn’t bother calling back or his cellphone is broken.

And when she does reach Chico, and Chico says “I'll call you back tomorrow and let you know when I get some in.” Tomorrow has a different meaning to Chico than to the rest of us. It seems to mean “some day,” “eventually.”

I did instantly call Gloria to ask her to do the favor. She said she will do it.

“How much is it?” I asked.

“30” Gloria said.

The last time I bought pot which was in 1970 it was $30 for an ounce, so I thought “Wow the price has not gone up.” But it turns out that is the price of a quarter of an ounce which is what Gloria buys.

Gloria called me back and said she left the message with Chico. “It’s not a matter of if I will be able to get the pot for your friends but when. You have to be patient.”

So I called Dave back and told him that. He is very grateful and very appreciative to Gloria. I suggested he give Gloria 10 dollars for gas since it is such a long drive out there and back. And Dave said not only 10 for gas but he wants to give Gloria another ten for doing him such a wonderful favor.

LOL I can’t believe I’m the middle man of pot deal. Altho it is such a small deal. $30 for a quarter of an ounce.

But when Chico will call Gloria back is anyone’s guess, and then when Chico will actually have some pot to sell is anyone's guess.

I haven’t been back in this world of scoring some pot for such a long time, it does seem like a big adventure to me.

Altho back in the Sixties when my boyfriend Alan was buying some pot for us, we went to Paul's apartment on East 7th Street (in the East Village of Manhattan.)

Paul was a college student at NYU, he kept the plastic baggies of ounce of pot under the floor board in the living room of the teeny tenement apartment.

He would pry up the floorboard and take out a lid and Alan would give him the 20 or 25 dollars it was back then. Actually I think it was $15.

There were always a lot of people hanging out in Paul's apt. We were all college students.

And after Alan bought the pot he would roll a joint and pass it around, and we all sat there stoned listening to the Beatles and the Rolling Stones and Ravi Shankur.

This was 1966.

I guess the way of doing business has changed now. I would offer to go with Gloria when she drives to Chico's to pick up the pot, but the last thing I want to do is sit around Chico’s apartment get stoned and listen to music for 3 hours. With everyone else who is there.

But maybe that is not how business is done anymore. It’s been a few years since 1966 and we were all young college students.

And Chico does not sound one bit like a college student. His wife is in jail and he has 4 dobermans.

And with Paul I don’t remember Alan calling him. We would just drop over.

Paul would pry up the floor board, there was a little cavity underneath. Pull out a lid in a plastic baggie, hand it to Alan, Alan would hand him the $15 and we all sat around stoned and listened to the music on the record player for the rest of the afternoon.

Since me and all my friends went to City College which was free and Paul was going to NYU which was private and cost money. He probably came from a rich family in California who let him go to New York for college.

Rent on those tiny tenement apartments back then was only $50/month. And no one had a car.

Giggle giggle other than paying his tuition, his parents didn’t have to pay for their son in college in NYC since Paul was working his way thru school.

I Go Before the Judge

painting by Slawek Gruca

It was odd interesting intense crazy and something I don’t want to do again.

I didn’t spend the week before rehearsing what I was going to say to the judge because I had already done that back in February when the date on the summons said show up in court on February 28th.

I thought I was going to go before the judge then. And for weeks before, I went thru scenarios in my mind of what I would say to the judge.

But when I showed up at traffic court at 8 AM the clerk said “Do you want to pay your fines now, go to traffic school or have a hearing?”

I said “I want a hearing.”

So she said “Go home and you will get in the mail the date set for your hearing. It will arrive within 2 weeks.”

And sure enough 2 weeks later the letter arrived in the mail saying my hearing was set for April 30th at 2:30 PM.

Since it was almost 2 months away I put it out of my mind. Memorized the date, April 30^th, and tacked it up on my bulletin board.

I didn’t bring it back into my mind till April was well advanced. The week before I looked on my calendar and saw that it was a Tuesday.

And that morning when Jim was driving me to the pool I said, “A week from today is my day in court. It’s in the afternoon so we can swim in the morning and you can take me to court in the afternoon.”

And from that moment on I was aware of going to court the following week.

But I didn’t go back to rehearsing what I was going to say. Instead I just thought about logistics.

I thought Jim doesn’t have to sit with me all thru it, he can go swim at his club and pick me up when it’s over. I just have to bring quarters for the public telephone and tell him to pick up his messages in case he is swimming when his phone rings.

When the weekend before it arrived, I did start to go to it in my mind, and start saying in my mind what I will say to the judge.

But I really didn’t want to do that again. So instead I connected to Judge John in my mind, let him love me. And he said I don’t have to do that, he will tell me what to say at the time.

So every time my mind went back to it, I nipped it in the bud, and switched over to just letting him love me.

And the evening before my Higherigher SelfH Self said to me, “Anne the outcome doesn’t matter. Whether you have to pay the fine or not doesn’t matter. It is a great opportunity for you to go there and send love to everyone. You can bless the court by sending love to everyone. That is all you have to do and that is all that matters.”

So that relaxed me. After all sending love in my mind is my favorite thing to do anyway, and easy as pie, and I was relieved to find out the outcome didn’t matter at all.

The young lady officer who had given me all that trouble, had a partner, a man who looked about 10 years older than her and a lot more experienced.

He had been the one who handed me the two tickets. The first one because my learners permit had expired, “This is for driving without a license,” he said.

And the second for driving in the bike lane.

And with it a tiny printed up pamphlet which explained about the tickets.

Which Jim immediately began to study.

He said “I can’t find driving in bike lane on here, you have to look it up on your computer.

“But for expired license, they take the fine away if you show the judge you have a new license.”

So the next morning he took me down to DMV so I could take my written test again and get a new learners permit.

I hadn’t expected I would have to take that test again, Jim kept insisting “they will just extend it for you.”

But he was wrong, I did have to take it again.

So on the spot I took it again.

I was allowed 6 wrong answers, but I got 7 wrong answers so I flunked.

Jim got a new copy of the drivers manual for me and as soon as I got home I read it from beginning to end.

The next morning we went back and I took it again. It was totally suspenseful for me. After 6 wrong answers I knew I couldn’t get another one. But instead of praying I got it right, I just prayed that I wouldn’t cry if I got it wrong.  “Big deal!” I said to myself, “all it would mean is I have to come back tomorrow and take it again.”

Of course I really didn’t want to, but neither was I going to ruin my happiness over it.

But by a miracle and all my guesses I did pass. I was elated and Jim took me swimming.

I had my new learners permit and could show it to the judge so that ticket would be taken away.

A week or 2 later when it was so cold and dreary being in the swim pool and Jim wasn’t coming for another 1/2 hour I sat in the waiting room of the Y going thru my purse.

This is before I went to court the first time.

I found my two tickets at the bottom of my purse and the little pamphlet with them the man officer had given me.  And looked up both my violations in the pamphlet.

For driving without a license it said $70.  But if you show the judge you have a valid license the judge will take away your fine.

I could not find driving in the bike lane on it.

Jim told me to look it up on the computer because he hadn’t found it there either.  But I couldn’t find it on the computer either.

When I went to court the first time, the clerk said do I want to pay the tickets, go to traffic school or have a hearing. 

“How much are both tickets together?” I asked. I thought if driving without a license is only $70 probably driving in the bike lane will be $35. 

But she said “both come to $340.” 

So I said “I want a hearing.”

I did the arithmetic after I left her and realized they were going to charge me $270 for the bike lane.

I wanted to show her my new learners permit, but she said “show it to the judge.”

My Afternoon in Court

Jim dropped me off in front of the court house a little before 1:30 and my Higher Self said “tell him to pick you up at 3:15.” 

Jim said fine, he will meet me right here where he dropped me off.

“Fine,” I said.

I wanted to get there an hour before my case was called so I could get my bearings and be familiar with everything before my own case.

I found going thru the metal detector and being wanded lots of fun.  To me it is like a game.  And the guard told me, “Look on the door outside Information to find out where to go.”

There was my name, but to my shock it said Judge Karen Smith.  I wondered who Judge John was that I had been sharing so much love with in my mind.  I felt like I had to start from scratch now.

It said Second Floor Courtroom 9. So I walked up the steps and found Court Room 9.   It seemed like a sleepy almost empty room.

There was the girl judge up in front.  She had blond hair and looked like a nice woman.  The law clerk next to her.  And less than a handful of people sitting there.

I was very early and sat at the edge of one bench near the door. And began sending love in my mind to the judge and to everyone there. The clock did not seem to move at all.

Finally she called the first case.  A cop sat down on one side, a young man on the other side.  The cop said he did not obey the sign.  The young man said the sign could not be seen.  It had happened at night and he showed pictures to the judge to prove the sign could not be seen.

The judge said “I am going to take these pictures with me and study it for consideration.  You will hear tomorrow.”

Next came a cop with a lady.  He said she had driven thru a stop sign.  She said “I was not driving, it was my friend who was driving.”

She actually proved this to the judge, and she dismissed her case.

Then the judge said to me “Your Officer is a little late.  We are waiting for him.”

So I knew the cop was coming and my case would not be dismissed because no cop showed up. Which is what I had secretly hoped for.

So then the judge left by a door next to the bench.  And all that was left in the room was a couple sitting together and the law clerk.  And I went back to sending love to the judge and to everyone.

The clock did not seem to move altho two cops arrived and sat in the special area for cops.

I went back to sending love and wondered if that clock would ever move.  I looked around and was surprised to see art all over the walls.  Framed paintings. 

The judge did not reappear.  I tried to focus on sending love but it was still almost 2 hours before Jim was supposed to pick me up.  I was sure I would get out so early and wondered about a long time waiting for him

I went back to sending love in my mind to the judge and to everyone in the court room, but it all felt so quiet and sleepy there that my eyes started to close over. 

I caught myself and began to focus on sending love again when suddenly I jerked fully awake.  My own cop had appeared.  

I had assumed the man cop her partner would be the one, but it was HER!  I hadn’t realized I hated her till I  saw her again for the first time in court. She had been very mean to me in every possible way.

She looked so tall, with such long legs, and without her cap, had very pretty chestnut wavy hair down to her collar.

And she looked nervous.  Not like all the other cops.  And was in a light grey uniform, not in their dark blue one, and did not look heavily armed as they did. But maybe I didn’t see her gun.

As soon as she arrived my praying began in earnest.  I now had a real purpose for sending love,  I wanted to take away the hate in my mind.   

I moved over on the bench so a pillar obstructed my view of her, and her view of me.  And I just focused on sending love to her.  I did that for quite a while till I was completely harmonious with her in my mind.  And then I sent love to her and the judge. 

And to my surprise I heard her let out a little cough.  She did it two times.  I knew what that cough meant.  Her mind was responding to all that love. 

I was surprised that she was the only one who responded to all the love I had been steadily sending out since I arrived.  The judge, the clerk, the cops, the other people who had been waiting for their cases, the couple who still was— no one had responded.  Only Officer Jeffries, my arresting officer, responded.

I realized she must be a sensitive girl.

Finally the judge returned.  And called my case.  We both stood up and raised our right hand and swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth,  Which I fully intended to do and which I did.

Officer Jeffries spoke first.  She identified herself. And said she has been on the force since December 2012.  So she had been a cop for just weeks when she stopped me. That explained why she had done such a botched job in every way.  She had no experience and no natural talent for the job to boot.

And she is so young, she looked around 23 or 24 the most.

Officer Jeffries testified to the judge that I had been driving nearly a mile in the bike lane and when she stopped me the first thing she asked me was “why was I driving in the bike lane?”  And that I had answered “I feel safe driving in the bike lane.”  

All of this is hooey and never happened

As I told the judge when it was my turn to talk, “I am learning how to drive.  I am now expert at driving around my own residential neighborhood but am just learning how to drive in traffic. 

“I had decided to drive to the mini Post Office which is in the residential neighborhood across Speedway Boulevard.

“I waited till there was no traffic coming in the opposite direction, signaled that I was going to turn, but when I looked in my mirror cars were bearing down on me. 

“This kept happening, so finally I signaled right, changed lanes and pulled into the bike lane, first looking to see there were no bikes.  So I could stop and figure out what I was going to do.  All I wanted was to get out of everyone’s way.

“However the instant I pulled into the bike lane my friend said ‘there is a cop behind you.’  I looked in the mirror and sure enough there was. 

“I thought the cops would stop me, but instead they kept following me in the bike lane.  I had no idea why the cops wanted me to keep driving in the bike lane.  Finally they signaled that I should pull over into a driveway behind a building and I did.

“She never asked me why I was in the bike lane.  All she said to me is ‘license and registration please.’  She discovered my learners permit had expired. 

“Then I had to sit there for a very long time.  And then the man cop got out and gave me two tickets, one for driving in the bike lane, and one for expired license.

“I went down the next day and took the written test all over again and got a new learners permit. Here is my new learners permit. Do you want to see it?”  

“No I don’t,” the judge said, “You can show it to the officer if you like.” 

I was so surprised.

Jim had told me 100 times to make sure I have my new license with me to show the judge so I would not have to pay that fine. As if I would have forgotten to bring it!

So Officer Jeffries obediently held out her hand to see my new learners permit.  Looked at it and handed it back to me.  It made no sense to me.

Then the judge asked her about my testimony.  And Officer Jeffries said, “What she said is exactly what happened.”

I was gratified.

So then the judge said I had to pay $195 the fine for driving in the bike lane because I was driving in the bike lane.  I said “OK.”

Then she said I have to pay the fine for driving without a valid license. 

“When do you think you will get your drivers license?” she said to me. 

I thought and said “Maybe around same time the monsoons come.”  (In Tucson that is July 4^th.)

She said, “You can come back then and show it to me and you won’t have to pay the fine.”  

I said, “Maybe I will just pay the $70 and get it over with. I’ll pay both fines now.  All I want is to learn how to drive.  I don’t want to come to court again.  How much do both fines come to?”

She said, “Driving in the bike lane is 195 and driving without a license is 205.” 

I said, “But I got my new learners permit.  I got it the day afterwards.”

At that point the judge got very sympathetic but also thought I was a total idiot.  She tried every which way to Sunday to explain to me that I needed a drivers license to drive. 

I kept trying to say the pamphlet the officer gave me said 70 dollars and I went down the next day and I have my new learners permit.

When she tried to say again I need a drivers license to drive, I interrupted her.  I said, “I know I need a drivers license to drive.  I am not stupid!”

I didn’t even try again to find out why it was 205 instead of 70 like the pamphlet said.

By now she was totally sympathetic and on my side just thought she was dealing with a jerk.

She said, “I understand you are learning how to drive, maybe you should go to a professional driving school rather than have your friend teach you.

“I’ll tell you what I’ll do.  I’ll give you till August 30^th to get your license.  And if you need more time just call me.”

She was such a darling and trying to be so sweet to me.  I wanted to say “I love you.”  Instead I just mouthed the words.  I didn’t think you were allowed to say “I love you” out loud to a judge at court.

So I went to the clerk so he could do the paperwork for me.  He had everything that was especially pertinent blocked out in yellow. He too like the rest of the court room— Judge Karen, Officer Jeffries, the policemen waiting in the box. And the people who had arrived while my case was going on— all thought I was the biggest idiot in the western world.

But I didn’t care. I knew in my heart of hearts it was good for me to have a deadline to get my real drivers license. And the deadline the judge had given me was a good deadline.  I actually was in a great mood and loved everyone.

I thought it was a great outcome. I even teased Officer Jeffries as she was standing up in the witness box. “Stay out of my neighborhood!” I said to her. “Stay away from me!  If you see me, pretend you don’t!”

And I giggled and went down to pay my fine.

I was surprised to see that it was ten after 3.  I guess my case had taken a long time. 

I was completely merry and happy.  It was all over and I thought it was a good outcome. The law clerk had told me to go to the Information Room downstairs to pay my fine

I asked the girl at the desk “how do I pay my fine?”  She gave me a number and said, “it will take one minute for you to be called.”

And sure enough after one minute, I was called to Window 17.

I got out my credit card and paid the 195 for driving in the bike lane.  And then I giggled to the girl about how I have till August 30th to get my regular license.  I showed her that paper work. I said how the judge said call her if I want more time.

“What is her phone number?” 

She said, “We don’t have it, you’d have to come down here for that.”

“It’s not worth it to me,” I said. “It’s more better for me to get my license by August 30^th.  Can I just show it to you or will I have to show it to the judge?”  She said I can show it to her.

I believed her and thought, well then everything is perfect. 

“Great!” I said.

I was laughing the whole time.  I have no idea why I was in such an up mood.

I looked at the clock and it was 3:15 on the dot.  I walked out and there was a hot dog man right there.  Sitting in one hard chair in the shade with another chair right next to him. 

Jim was not there.  I was so thirsty and just wanted a cigarette.  “Do you have sodas?” I asked.

 “Yes,” he said. 

“What soda do you want?”

He opened up his cooler, all the cans of sodas on ice. 

“I wanted a Coke, that seemed perfect after a whole day in court, but I see you have Pepsi.  That is fine.” 

“I have a Coke,” he said.

And handed it to me. 

“How much?” I said. 

“One dollar,” he said. 

I got out 2 dollar bills.  I handed him one for the soda, and another one saying, “After a day in court I want luck.  This is for you.”  He was happy to get it. 

I looked at the chair right next to him in the shade. “Can I sit here and smoke a cigarette while waiting for my friend to pick me up?”  

“Of course,” he said.

He was such a nice short Mexican man. Just who you want to see after your afternoon in court.

I was just about to sit comfortably down next to this lovely man, with my soda in my hand and my cigarettes in my purse when Jim drove up.

 I got in the car with my unopened can of Coke and sat next to him. 

“Well you missed a great show,” I said to him. “They all think I am a total idiot.  I finally had to tell the judge I’m not stupid and I told Officer Jeffries to stay out of my neighborhood. And I have to get my drivers license by August 30^th or pay $205. 

“OK” Jim said, “we’ll start practicing your tushy turns tomorrow.” (They got to be called tushy turns because I first tried to learn it in the pool, stretching out my arms and turning my tushy).

“OK” I said.

It took me forever to calm down from my experience.

Altho my Higher Self said, “You did spectacular Anne.  You gave love to everyone plus you gave them all a great show.”

But when I woke up the next morning all I could think was “how could I have made such an idiot of myself in court!”