3 way conversation me and Jim and God…

Such a lovely pic of horses posted on FaceBook yesterday

written Sunday afternoon June 23^rd   

Such an interesting driving lesson this morning.

Yesterday I was willing to drive out of the neighborhood to 2 destinations. God had suggested it. But on the way there were 2 fights with Jim. Because he told me to do one thing, and God said do another.

And Jim was mad that I didn’t listen to him. “You have to listen to me!” he said.

The problem is that Jim goes by my driving skills. When he said “Do it! You can do it!” he believes it.

But God lives inside me and knows when I am too scared to do it.

So He says “don’t do it.”

I always listen to God.

Even tho Jim says “You can do it! You have to do it! You have to trust me!”

I don’t trust him. I trust God.

Because I know the instant something scares me while I am driving, my mind shuts down, I forget to keep my foot on the clutch, the car stalls. Then I get even more nervous, and I have trouble starting it up again.

Jim has no idea why I suddenly have problems. He doesn’t know what scares me.

He doesn’t know what makes me nervous. Sometimes it is something he says.

I never tell him that it is something he said that made me nervous and that caused me to have problems.

Because I know in my heart of hearts that even tho Jim is the best driver in the world, he has no experience in teaching. I am the first one he has tried to teach anything to.

He is learning to teach, I am learning to drive.

But I know how to teach, I know the only way Jim can be a better teacher is by having confidence in his teaching.

So I never tell him when something he is telling me has a boomerang effect on me. Makes things worse instead of better. Makes it harder for me to learn to drive.

But driving in traffic is serious. And it is now time for me to start to do it.

When I woke up this morning, I knew we had to have a 3 way conversation about it, him and me and God. God had to give him helpful suggestions.

We sat down to have the conversation when Jim arrived, right before driving me to DMV so I could practice tushy turns there.

Altho Jim said he agreed to the conversation, right after God told him how much He loved him and appreciated what he was doing in teaching me how to drive, the instant God tried to talk to Jim seriously about how to help me with driving in traffic.

Jim simply refused to listen. He kept saying “This is waste of time, let’s go!”

This is the third time there has been a 3 way between me and Jim and God.

(The first two times were early on in my driving lessons.  And the conversation took place on the phone in the afternoon, when God said “call him and tell him I want to talk to him.”

(Both times Jim kept trying to get off the phone instantly and both times he began fighting with God.  And both times God responded by changing his tune from the originally sweet loving tender tone he has begun with by getting tough with Jim in response.)

So Jim gets tougher and God gets tougher, and I always think this is going to end in disaster.

I always think “how can this work if Jim and God are fighting with each other.”

I’m always so stunned that Jim is fighting with God.  Whoever heard of anyone fighting with God, thinking they can possibly bully their way thru it.

So this morning by now both sides were shouting.  And God was saying “Stop being obstreperous.”

That caught Jim by surprise.  “What does obstreperous mean?” he asked.

Every time God tried to talk Jim interrupted and would not let God speak.

When God did try to talk, Jim either said “you’re wrong,” or “I already do that.”

Finally God said “You have to sit still and shut up. I want to finish what I have to say. When I finish you can comment.”

I think Jim was very surprised that God told him to shut up. 

It’s interesting to notice now that at no point did Jim think it was me saying all this, he did believe it was God saying all this thru me. Because if he had believed it was me saying this, he would have been very mad at me.  He would have enraged himself at me.

Instead he kept saying to me “Let’s go!”

God finally did manage to say his piece very quickly. And then we got in the truck and took off for DMV.    

Interestingly when we were driving, maybe driving relaxed Jim or being on our way relaxed him, he got receptive to the conversation. 

Because to my surprise God said a lot of things to Jim that he was totally receptive to hearing.

I don’t know if he was receptive to anything God said while we were sitting on the two chairs in front of my house.  I mean I don’t know if Jim was willing to hear any of it.

But while we were driving and there was no heat in the conversation, Jim was receptive, and God was able to express himself in such a calm way.

And Jim was able to recognize how sensible it all was, and helpful. 

He stopped being defensive.  He was willing to take it in.

As a result God was able to express himself to Jim in a much kinder more loving way too.

It was a conversation which worked.

And the odd thing is how much it liberated both of us.  I felt Jim now understood where I was at, God had explained it to him perfectly. And Jim understood where I was at and God had helpfully explained the best way to handle it in simple practical terms.

Jim could now know what to do and what not to do when I am driving in traffic. And he was able to understand what happened and why it happened, and responded to God’s suggestions of how to get around it.

“Don’t press Anne to make the light,” God said.  “It’s better for her to be stopped at red light. She is so tense driving, it gives her a moment to relax, calm down and get herself organized.

“Being stopped at a red light is good for Anne right now.

“If she starts to drive slowly because she doesn’t know where the driveway is for her to pull into at the Y or somewhere else, don’t press her to go faster because she is holding up the cars behind her.

“It just makes her nervous when you tell her she is holding everyone up, she gets flustered and stalls.”

Jim said “I’ll just let the cars behind her honk at her.”

And God said “Brilliant!  Good idea!  She’ll find out she is holding up traffic that way.  It will be a genuine learning experience in driving.

“Don’t make her make that right turn on Columbus on red light, the lanes are too close together. You always have to grab the wheel because she comes too close to hitting car in the other lane waiting for the light.

“Let her wait till the light is green, then she doesn’t have to dart if cars are coming, and can just focus on making that turn.”

God also said, “When she drives around the neighborhood she is so relaxed it is perfect time to fine tune all her driving. She appreciates all the correction and learns from it. 

“But when she is driving in traffic don’t say anything.  Unless it is actually dangerous. Remember everything she did wrong and then when you switch seats you can tell her.  Or better yet. Just say good job.  Let her relax.  Buy her an ice cold coca cola . Let her have a cigarette, and then after that tell her everything she did wrong. 

“But maybe start off with saying she did a good job.  In fact tell her she made progress.  Anne does not believe that she makes progress at all, she never thinks she is getting anywhere. Tell her she is making progress, and then gently point out to her the things she did wrong. She does need to know that.

“Just give her a chance to relax and unwind first so she can take it in.

God did say “You tell Anne what she can do based on her skills, but I live inside her and I know what scares her.

“I want Anne to go out of her comfort zone now but it is not helpful for her to be scared.  It’s not necessary.  And because I know what scares her it is better if she listens to me.”

Miraculously this conversation in the car really did work like a charm.  It made it possible for Jim and I to understand each other and cooperate when it came to driving. 

He had more confidence in me, I had more confidence in him, we were more relaxed and easygoing with each other. I noticed the change when he stopped for gas on our way to DMV and I sat on the curb to smoke a cigarette.

It was more than giving each other the benefit of the doubt.  We were on the same page.  I trusted him.  He trusted me.  We both knew beyond a shadow of a doubt how well intentioned we were towards each other. We became more assertive with each other in a natural way.  Instead of irritating each other we harmonized.

When we got to DMV I did 6 tushy turns in a row (our name for the 3 point turn.)

And then God suggested I drive the route that the examiner will have me drive. Jim was all for it.

I made my turn onto 22^nd Street (a major boulevard) and drove very slowly in the slow lane. I just switched to second gear, I didn’t try to switch to third. 

Jim said “Turn at the light.”

The light was red and there were no cars coming in any direction.  

“I’m going to turn on red” I said.  And I did.

And I turned into the neighborhood.

Jim started to say something and said “I will wait till you are done.” 

But I was so relaxed driving in the neighborhood I said “tell me now, I am relaxed.” 

He said “You have to stop at the red light, and not just keep on going to make your turn.  What you did is called running a red light.”

I was so pleased to hear it.  I was glad to learn that.  I really hadn’t known it.

And I thought it was so sweet of Jim to listen to God and try not to tell me while I am driving.

My trust and confidence in him shot up a whole notch.  And I bet it was mutual.

After we finished driving in the neighborhood, God suggested, “Do 22nd Street again.  Do the whole thing again.” 

God said “Ask Jim what he suggests, should you do 22^nd Street again or just drive back to DMV and park like you will have to do on the test.”

Jim thought and said “Do 22^nd Street, it is the harder thing.” 

“That’s just what God suggested, you both agree. 

“I am willing to do it,  I’m going to be big brave girl.  Should I ask you or God to give me pat on the back?”

And he gave me pat on the back. 

Jim said “eventually you’re going to have to switch to third on 22^nd Street, the examiner will want to see that you know how to do that.”

I said “God said, I shouldn’t try that now, I have enuf on my plate while I drive 22nd Street, but absolutely you’re right I have to learn to do that.  Either next time or the time after that.”

So I drove 22nd Street again, the neighborhood again.  And Jim reminded me that I had told him God said I should switch to third gear on the long empty stretch to 22^nd Street.

“Good!” I said. 

“You have to practice that” he said. 

“Good” I said. “You are right.”  

And when I reached 22^nd Street, I said “God said do it again,”  and Jim said “great!”  And I did it all again.  

And I switched to third for the long stretch on the road which leads to 22^nd Street and we switched seats.

I said “God said we should both be rewarded.  And you stop at 7/11 and let me treat you and me to a Coca Cola.  Will you let me buy you one?”

“Yes” he said. 

“What about a donut too?”

“Yes” he said.

And you know I think we were the happiest boy and girl in the world as he drove and I sat in passenger seat, and we were both perfectly satisfied with ourselves and each other.

It is really quite amazing, the last two times I had tried to drive in traffic, we had had huge fight in the car.

This time it was all sweet as sugar.

Our happiness driving together went up a whole other notch.

I wonder if what changed it was when God said while we first started driving there, “You know Jim, Anne’s driving is not the most important thing, the most important thing is you two getting along.  Because Anne really loves you, not as a boyfriend, as a friend and it distresses her too much when you fight.  She doesn’t want to be upset with you. 

“And Anne’s happiness is the most important thing in the world, not her driving, so no matter what I don’t want you two to fight.”

I think after that is when Jim became totally receptive to everything God had to say about the driving.

I don’t know why, but I think it was what turned the corner.

owe much we rally did take eh other into consideration.    it mdeus both mor asertie ith oher I a natural way.

How I Bought Irene's Painting

Painting by Irene Peslikis New York City summer 1991

Email June 12

How I bought Irene’s painting

Hi Jean and Pat and Helen and Peggy

I bought this painting from Irene the summer before I moved to Tucson, which would be summer of 1991. I did not know I was going to move to Tucson at the time.

We moved to Tucson on Thanksgiving 1991. And when we bought this house a year later, I paid Irene to ship it to us. It had not left Irene's apt till then. Her husband Richard took it to the store which ships things. 

And Bill put up on the wall. It was before he went to art school and became an artist himself. He said "it makes our house classy that we have a painting by a New York modern artist." 

When he was going to art school he was sleeping on the couch underneath that painting.

He said he would look up at it and learn from it.

And it was while he was sleeping under that painting, he had finished art school now, and was trying to be an artist on his own, and torturing himself about how to start painting on his own, that he heard his Higher Self speak to him for the first time.

I guess he was torturing himself that he had to paint something good, which was paralyzing him.

So the first thing his Higher Selfigher SelfHh said to him was "you are learning." Which meant he doesn't have to paint something good, just to learn from doing it.

It really helped Bill because he took the pressure off himself as a result.

I myself had discovered my Higher Self (heard Her for the first time) a few days before I was in Irene's apartment way over on the west side of Manhattan and saw that painting over her dining room table.

I had gone over there because Irene called me up in tears. My Higher Self said "tell her you'll be right over." Then my Higher Self told me to take a taxi cab and come right over to her house.

While we were having lunch and I was looking up at the painting, my Higher Self said "tell her you want to buy it, you will give her one thousand dollars for it." 

Irene was overjoyed. It is the first painting I ever bought.

LOL I guess my Higher Self doesn't fool around. When your friend calls you up desperate and in tears, your Higher Self has you hop into a cab right away and buy her new painting for $1000. Irene was a totally happy girl when I left.

I was in the midst of an incredible ordeal myself at the time, which is why and how I had just discovered my Higher Self. 

It thrilled me to my toes to buy a painting for $1000, never would I have imagined I would do that! That was before I even bought myself any new clothes, I was still buying all my clothes for $1 from the homeless on the street.

I guess this is what they mean when they say "Your Higher Self knows the past, present, and future of everyone involved."

Who knew I was going to move to Tucson few months later! Who knew Bill was going to go to art school in Tucson! Or that we would have a house!

I liked buying the painting at the time because it was such a shock to me that I had done that. And it sure cheered up Irene, she was totally happy girl when I left.

But looking back on it all, I think it is the best $1000 I ever spent. After all, in Tucson we got our first car (the truck I am learning to drive on now) and discovered the wonderful world of car repair. It is always $1000.

Irene's painting is still up on my living room after all these years.

It is a huge painting.

Lemme see if I can copy Irene's painting here on email for all of you

I'll try to crop off the living room wall around it so just the painting shows up.

Love Annie

Serious heat is here

New painting by Layla (Flora Edwards)The Anthropologist and the Indigena
posted by Layla on FaceBook last week

Friday  June 7th mid afternoon  3:02 pm

Serious heat is here

Serious heat is here. Climbing above 100 degrees is one thing. Climbing above 105 degrees is something else. Yesterday 106, today 109. 

It’s an entirely different world, a different head. The whole experience of life changes. It’s a season unto itself, the season of serious heat. It’s also what causes the monsoons to arrive next month. 

I don’t remember the explanation now, but there has to be enuf days of serious heat in a row for the monsoons to move from where they gather up in Colorado, to come to Tucson.

And  I saw the first tiny white cloud appear in our flawless blue sky today. It came from over the mountains in the northeast. The same direction the monsoons come from.

So what I saw is the start of it. For next 3 weeks a tiny white cloud will appear in the flawless blue sky floating in from the northeast. 

It appears at around 10 am and by this time 3 pm,  one tiny white cloud following another for hours,  have all merged into a bigger cloud, still off to the east (I have to crane my head eastward from my desk to see it). 

It has some mass now and may even be packing moisture. Rest of the whole huge sky is still flawless blue. 

The same thing will play out each day for next 3 weeks, until the actual conditions for the monsoon are met. Great heat day after day plus some moisture in air or on ground at dawn. Then voilà the monsoons come to Tucson.

The official date is always July 4^th but sometimes they come a few days earlier and sometimes a few days late.

Two things happen when serious heat arrives (when the afternoons climb higher than 105) that first tiny white cloud arrives, plus we start waiting for the monsoon. Our deliverance.  

It does not feel natural to have such great afternoon heat. You know in your heart of hearts things are not meant to be this way.

Which is why the explanation, that it is this intense heat which brings the monsoon, makes so much sense to me,

We have to have the monsoons, and we have to have whatever brings them to Tucson.

Hahaha what we are having now is what brings them to Tucson.

It’s ok as long as there is zero humidity which we are also having. It is bearable to be in the house with both coolers going.

Evaporative coolers are only effective when there is zero humidity.

Which is why, even tho we all long for monsoon season, except for the 2 hours when the monsoon takes place each day (from 4 pm to 6 pm) life is hell. 

The heat is never stratospheric once monsoon season begins (it is just in the high nineties) but of course there is huge humidity all day and all night. 

Coolers are ineffective when there is humidity, that is when you wish you had air conditioning too, which is impervious to humidity.

There just is no such thing as being comfortable ever during the 6 weeks of the monsoon season. But the upside of course, is all the rain makes everything grow again. 
And there is the joy of watching the desert itself, the earth and everything which grows on it, drink and bathe in the rain every day. Our world actually turns lush.

And our plant world becomes happy.

That is the real joy of monsoon season.

Watching life return to the desert, watching it bloom.

I am beginning to see positives in this 3 week period before it arrives when my mind is blitzed. 

What I mean is, there is something oddly pleasant about having a mind be blitzed. The heat completely relaxes you and totally shuts off your mind. Activity is out of the question. You flop on the bed and watch shows you never watched before. You are a happy idiot, easy to please.

O a breeze has started! One of our June breezes has started. Shaking the treetops. That’s oddly reassuring too. Wind means motion, it means the air is in motion. And when you are looking out at a world which is 108 degrees out there, you need to see some evidence of motion, you need to see motion itself, to be reassured life is still going on.

LOL the heat beat everything but it can’t beat the wind. The great heat can stop everything, bring everything to standstill, except the wind. The wind follows its own laws and blows when it wants to. 

Maybe that is why it is so reassuring to see it blow the tree tops out my open window.  I appreciate there is a sign that the heat is not supreme.  Giggle giggle of course it is blowing the hot air from outside all over me. But so what!  I am just so glad to see something in motion.  I want to remember the world is still alive.

Post script 4 hours later at 7:30 pm

I made it thru the afternoon. It is just after sunset now. The insane heat is byebye, it leaves with the sun. The yard is in shadow which is so restful after long afternoon of too bright and too hot.

It makes it look cool, that the sky has started to darken and yard is in deep shadow.

My June emails

Drawing by Helen Kritzler aka Haiku Helen

Wednesday June 5th

Quelle beauty! Today is so pretty the blue sky is tinged with violet. It is the prettiest day I have ever seen. The crystal clarity of the light turns it into a day in paradise. And there is a light happy vibe to go with it. 

Wishing you all a happy day and happy evening.

Love Annie

Sunday afternoon June 9th

It is Sunday afternoon, the heat is great but the breezes make it bearable.

The beauty makes it a joy to look at out my open window

I swam at noon and then came home and watched the Perry Mason marathon for the rest of the afternoon. It is now 5 pm. LOL the morning doves announced it and the first of them is arriving in my yard.

It's not that my life has stopped exactly since the big heat arrived several days ago.

But my life sure has down sized or minimized. My driving lessons have stopped, I am down to swimming and that's all.

I have stopped my projects on the computer too, the most I do is go on FaceBook. When there is nothing to watch on TV, I spend a lot of time on FaceBook, but with the Perry Mason marathon this weekend, I haven't been on it at all.

Maybe it is just a time-out

I didn't know that life provides time-outs, but I see now it does.

I was fine all day yesterday till late in the evening when suddenly I got bummed out by the emptiness of my life

LOL I actually cried

But I woke up this morning fine.

Jim imitated my driving yesterday morning when he took me to Mac's Indian Jewelry store to buy myself a new Navajo ring because I lost one of mine.

Even tho I was laughing at his imitation, it was so familiar to me everything he was doing, I recognized my own driving.

It was such a horrible bumpy jostling, effort filled, nerve wracking ride.

I had no idea I put Jim thru that each time I drive.

When he drives it is always smooth as silk

I laughed the whole time he did it, which I guess encouraged him to keep it up.

But secretly I was dismayed and discouraged. I have never driven with a terrible driver before, it makes for such an awful ride.

I had no idea I was that bad!

Love and kisses, Annie
Tuesday June 11 night

LOL maybe my mind has finished its time-out

The dull stupor I was in from the heat has lifted

This evening I watched some TV. Then came in and found wonderful emails from my girlfriends and emailed with them the rest of the evening.

It's almost time for the Burns and Allen show now. That Gracie is sure fun!!!

I told Jim in the car yesterday that George said "Gracie takes such good care of our car. Every night she goes to the garage to let the air out of the tires, so in the morning they can have fresh air."

Jim turned to me in all seriousness and said "If you do that I'll murder you."

I was so surprised, I never realized Jim thinks I am a nitwit.

Well almost time for Gracie

Sweet dreams

Love Annie
The next day
I email to the little group of gals I am on email with
Subject: a few mistakes while driving this morning...
Hi Jean, Hi Peggy, Hi Helen, Hi Casey, Hi Pat

This morning I drove around my neighborhood again for first time since serious heat arrived

I decided to stop at one of the stop signs just the way the examiner will want me to do it on the road test. A little behind the sign instead of in front of it.

“How’s that?” I asked Jim, “perfect, right?” I said

“Except you're on the curb” he said

“I am??” I said.

“Yes” he said

“No problem”  I said

Since I was on tiny hill I simply let my foot off the brake and clutch and let it roll back slowly off the curb.

“Well whaddya know it worked” I said,  “perfect, right?” I said.

“Except when you’re letting the car roll backwards, you’re supposed to look to see that there is no other car right behind you.”

“Ooops!” I said.
The gals email back to me and to each other

Re: a few mistakes while driving this morning...

from Casey:

hee hee. so much to remember!

i wouldn't want to be learning to drive in a truck, tho....I could hardly drive ours and I've been driving for over 50 years...

from Peggy:

I still drive up on curbs and fail to turn around to check.  Of course, I still have an accident from time to time

from Jean:

Oh hell I roll over curbs all the time, clutch or no clutch. They're just there to slow you down!

from Casey:

I roll over curbs, too...

hard on the vehicle, tho...

from Helen:

I did it so much that I had to buy entirely new rims for the car

June on the desert

Wonderful painting I found posted on FaceBook yesterday

June on the desert

7:16 am Monday June 3rd

June is here in its full summer glory. Desert summer glory is not the lush green summer world everywhere else. Nothing at all grows on the desert in summer. The plant world has to wait for the monsoons which arrive on July 4th to be watered.

Summer glory on the desert which takes place in June is all about heat and light. It is the month of our beauty heat and light climaxing. A month of crystal clarity, color, blue skies the green of desert trees,

Enchanted loveliness of morning and evening. And afternoons of unfathomable heat and brightness. Everything about June on the desert is a trip. It’s the apotheosis of everything, the beauty, the clarity, the light, the heat.

And as soon as the month is over the monsoons arrive. Lightning thunder and blessed rain.

That is our July and August.

For me happy summer is June. Altho by the time June is over we become one being awaiting our rains. That is when rock and tree, earth and animal, human and bird and insect, the animal vegetable mineral world and human world too, we become one mind, one heart, all we want most in world is rain.

We are waiting for that crack of thunder so loud it could be heard from here to Canarsie and that lightning so intense it turns red and takes up the whole sky, to announce they are bringing us our rain. We live on this rain all year. LOL this is how the desert gets watered.

The fanfare of its arrival is a not to be believed show. There is no thunder like it, there is no lightning like it. It goes on for hours and hours every day for 6 weeks and climaxes and releases itself in rain.

This is our future once glorious June starts. June is the idyllic summer paradise, that deep peace, the depths of quiet, before the wild raging drama which takes over our sky and desert for two months. When we get the show of shows and life giving rain is brought to the desert.

Is it any wonder I love living here.

We who do live here and love it can easily understand why no one else would.

After all during our glorious summer month June, you cannot step one foot outside the house in the afternoon. 

Even the lizards and snakes who find the world too cold to reside in it so they sleep in the earth all winter and don’t come out till it is 90 degrees, they can’t take our June afternoons either.   

They find shady spots to doze all afternoon. The shade is 10 degrees cooler than out in the sun.  It makes a difference. A huge difference.  Because after you hit 100 degrees, each degree above that feels like 10 degrees.  It is an exponential difference in the experience of the heat.

So being in the shade makes it comfortable to be outside, it is the only way to be comfortable outside for man or beast, bird or insect.

The heat itself increases continuously all afternoon till it finally climaxes at 4 pm. 

That is the point when you can’t stand it anymore.  By that point even having both coolers in your house turned up to high are beaten by the heat. The heat has won. 

All you can do is wait for sunset, when the whole huge heat goes bye-bye. Fortunately on the desert sunset comes early.  

And as soon as it does lovely life starts up again.   Afternoon heat is the intermission in your day.

You can’t do anything, you can't think anything.  No one can take a 4 hour siesta.  For an hour you watch tv.  Sleep overcomes you during the show. You wake up an hour later.  It is mid afternoon you come to your desk.

Spaced out from sleep and dreams you think your mind will click on. But it doesn’t. You try everything to interest you on the computer. At 4 pm you want to give up. You are hot and dazed. Your are in a worse stupor than when you arose from siesta.  And frustrated too. 

You are about to give it all up. “I’ll just water the house plants” you think, “and then go back to lounging on the bed.  Maybe the TV will have something interesting.”

But by that time it is 5 o’clock and life returns to the desert. The birds arrive in the backyard, shadows in your yard begin.  
  Energy rises again, all the energy which you thought was nada, which didn’t exist, comes back. 
  What a life!  5 o’clock the return of the energy.  

So after you water your house plants and think I’ll give it one more college try at the computer, for some reason it all catches.

FaceBook becomes interesting again. You are able to write a comment. You are able to edit one of your stories instead of blankly staring at it. If it is a week day you might even get an email.

I guess that is June on the desert. Life in the morning, life in the evening, and a long blank afternoon.

No wonder I think “how can anyone but a loony tune like me love this world of June on the desert.”