Yesterday I went back to my driving

Drawing by Helen Kritzler, My friend's smile

8:22 am Monday morning December 24 2012

The day before Christmas

Yesterday I went back to my driving.  I haven’t driven since the rains came.  I no longer remember when that was.  It feels like a world ago.   

I hadn’t driven in so long that when Jim suggested it yesterday I knew if I didn’t do it now I would never do it again.  I had lost all connection to driving.  

The last two times I had done it had not been a good experience.  It had been far too tense for me driving in town.  Driving in traffic with other cars on the road.  It had not been pleasurable at all.  I hadn’t wanted to do it again.

It just seemed so much simpler to let Jim drive me everywhere, sit back and relax.

Yesterday was cold but bright sun was shining.  It was Sunday.  I really did feel like now or never.     

“OK” I said.  “Let’s go to the country then.  You can wash the windshield for me when we stop on the way for gas.”

I was quiet all the way.  I have no grip on my mood at all now.   I have no idea what makes me want to laugh and play and kid around with him in the car.  Like the day before when he had  driven me for my errands.

Or why I was so quiet yesterday.  Why I just wanted to sit quietly and say nothing.  Look out the window.  Just be quiet.

We stopped for gas, he washed the windshield.  I went inside and bought two peanut butter on crackers.

He drove me to Corona Road.  Without any fanfare at all we changed seats and I simply began driving.   

I drove slowly the whole time.  He went out of his mind the whole time.  All the way up Corona Road, all the way down Los Rialles, all the way to the end of Swan Road I drove slowly.  I had it in 4^th but never went above 20 miles an hour.  

He went out of his mind the whole time.   He insisted every which way to Sunday that I step on it.  I was the only car on the road the whole time.   I figured I wasn’t bothering anyone.   He carried on that I was going 20 miles an hour.  

“I put up with it when you do this in your own neighborhood” he kept saying.  “I don’t want to put up with it now” he kept saying. 

“Tough” I said. “Turn on the radio” I said, “you can listen to the radio.”

The truck has no radio.  This is a joke I make to amuse myself. 

“The speed limit here is 55 you have to go the speed limit,” he said.  

“You can read the article about the Mass Awakening by Archangel Raphael while I’m driving.

 “You can read it aloud to me” I said. 

“I won’t read it” he said. “Archangel Raphael is a nut.”

“Turn on the radio then and listen to the game.”

“There is no radio” he said.

“Now you are going 15 miles an hour” he said. 

“You’re lucky you’re going for a nice drive in the country on Sunday morning.  Not every friend would do that for you. You are lucky to have a wonderful friend like me.”

No man was more miserable as he was driven that long forever stretch of Swan Road with not another car on the road by me at 20 miles an hour. 

“This is torture” he kept saying.

I didn’t care.  I knew the best thing for me in whole world now was to be relaxed behind the wheel again.  There had been a long time of me driving where I hadn’t been relaxed at all.   And it had taken its toll.  I hadn’t wanted to get behind the wheel again as a result.

I didn’t mind all his complaining.  It amused me.  It gave conversation in the car while I was driving.  It diverted me.

“Awwww the open road” I said with enthusiasm. 

“This is not the open road!” he said, “the open road is not driving 15 miles an hour.” 

I chuckled to myself.  

“I love the open road” I said.

When we reached the end of Swan Road I did 6 tushy turns right in a row.  That is what Jim and I call the 3 point turn which I have to do successfully on the road test to get my license.   They got to be called tushy turns because Jim kept saying “you turn the wheel in the direction you want your tushy to go” meaning the back of the truck.

Oddly enuf it relaxed Jim when I did 6 of them all in a row, and all of them perfectly. He had really wondered if my driving had regressed in long month of not doing it.  He thought maybe I really had gone back to square one.  But I was so relaxed at driving such a long distance at only 20 miles an hour, it made me relaxed while I was doing my tushy turns.  So I was able to do them fine.

I am beginning to see the whole key for driving for me is being relaxed behind the wheel.   

On the way back to Los Rialles road I drove the same way but this time Jim did not complain.  He was overjoyed by my tushy turns.

“I am not seeing any animals” I said. 

“There aren’t any animals” he said. 

“I wonder why?” I said. “There aren’t any birds in the sky,” I said looking up at the huge sky.

I said “we may as well get my cartons of cigarettes while we are all the way out here.  You give me the directions till we get to Nogales Highway then we will change seats.” 

“You can drive on Nogales Highway” he said. 

I ignored him.

I followed his directions till we came to a long stretch of road I hadn’t been on before. There were cars on it but not that many.  It was Sunday.  It was fun for me to be on a road I had never been on before.  With different view on the sides and a different view ahead of me. 

By now I was relaxed and warmed up.  I drove like a normal driver.  I don’t know why, it just seemed to come naturally to me.  It felt natural going at a faster speed.   Cars passed me who wanted to go faster.  Fine with me.  But I knew I was going a natural speed now.  And it was fine.

Then I pulled expertly into the embankment right before Nogales Highway and let Jim take the wheel.  

After we bought a whole box of cartons of cigarettes.  And after Jim stopped at Nico’s along the way home so I could get take-out Mexican food to eat when I got home, we got to my driveway. 

“I’m not going to swim today,” I said. “You did enuf. You helped me a lot. Just bring the cigarettes into the house for me then you are a free man all day.”

Before we reached my house,  a few miles up, he said “you drove spectacular.” 

I couldn’t believe my ears.  “Say it again” I said.  “Say it again.” 

He said “Not in the beginning.  In the beginning you were a black hole  You got an F.   But at the end you drove spectacular.”

“Really?” I said. “Really? Say it again” I said.

After he brought the box of cartons of cigs into my bedroom closet he noticed my cat Priscilla curled up in her chair.  He stopped to pet her and give her love.  

She loved all her pets and love and attention. The girl was in bliss.  It was very nice for me.  Bill is an animal lover he always gave our dogs and kitties too so much love and pets and attention. 

There hasn’t been a man in my house giving Priscilla love and pets and attention since Bill is no longer here.  It made me remember how much I love men, how sweet they are, how loving they are.

With both Bill and Jim you never get to experience their loving sweet side until you see them with an animal.  That is when they express their whole loving side.  And it is always bliss for me to stand back and watch it. 

The pet is in bliss and I get to see the man who is my closest friend turn into a being of such total love you can just stand there and swoon.  It is like a little bit of Heaven taking up residence in your house.

You get to watch pure love happen right in front of your eyes.

It’s very very special and I love it so.

Winter Solstice 2012

Stay Tuned photo by Uli Baatz posted on Facebook today

Tucson Arizona 8 am

Winter solstice 2012.  A tremendously beautiful day.  What makes it so interesting is the fluttering breeze.  Everything out there is fluttering. It is all in movement.  So it is a beautiful landscape which has come to life.  A beautiful landscape with another dimension added, movement. 

The sky is an exquisite blue.  Not the soft blue of Persian miniatures.  Only once has our sky been that soft blue.  Soft as rose pink.  Soft as softest rose.  I remember looking up at it while we were driving in the country.  “What a pretty blue” I kept thinking.  I couldn’t take my eyes off it. 

I had never seen blue sky like that here.  And I never saw the color again until someone posted a Persian miniature on Facebook.  That is when I recognized the blue.  It is in their art work and maybe churches too.  It is their favorite blue.  Maybe I will call it Persian blue.

Our sky today is pure Tucson.  Tucson blue sky is flawless but a harder blue.  It breathes freshness.  It is the blue of the new born world.  It is the blue of the world freshly made this minute.  If anything it is robin’s egg blue. The blue of a robin’s egg.  The blue robin’s egg which takes your breath away because you know you are looking at a miracle.

A bright sun is going on somewhere too.  Altho I cannot see it from either of my windows but I see some of its light splashing against cream colored buildings.  

What makes today unique is the fluttering. It doesn’t go on all the time just when the breeze blows.  Then the whole landscape out my window moves. The big branches swing and the thin branches flutter.  Just enuf leaves left on them to flutter in the breeze.  Fluttering leaves.

The world is fluttering.

Today is of course a very special day.  It has been heralded as the day the new world begins.  The Great Mayan Calendar ends today. All the cycles in the universe are completed. And begin again.

Many wonderful promises were made for this date.

How interesting that at this exact point in my life Frank the Yaqui Indian who lives down the street is in my house every afternoon or evening doing work for me in my house.

For a long time ever since Bill went to Heaven my most intimate relationship was with Jim.  Every morning he picks me up and drives me to my pool.  Continues on to his club and picks me up on way home.  He drives me on my errands before or after swimming.  And sometimes we have driving lessons before my swim.

Such was my life for past year and a half and such is my life now.

But then I hired Frank to fix up my house.  And for past few months he has been arriving every afternoon or evening to do work in my house.  Usually he comes in the evening now.  I am already in my back room under the covers watching tv or napping when I notice the sounds of Frank being in the house.

He comes in thru the side gate and walks thru my backyard and in my back door to kitchen and begins to work.

It took a long time for our vibes to mesh. There are 3 vibes. His vibe, my vibe, and the vibe of my house.  He painted all the walls of all the rooms ‘cept my computer room and bathroom. And painted all the floors ‘cept my computer room and bathroom

And he put up Bill’s paintings and tapestries all over the house.  It looks like a brand new house.

Only my computer room is still the old way.  But he washed all my windows for me so even that is new.

Now there is a man in my house every evening doing all the work Bill used to do.  He does all the work Bill used to for me and more.

So many times he arrives when I am sleeping.  I wake up to the sound of Frank working in the other wing of the house.  I get up and try to find which room he is in.

It is not the close relationship I have with Jim.  Which is identical to when I hung out with my cousin Richie every day during our childhood summers in the country.  Jim and I are like cousins. 

Frank is work man.  He comes to do work.  He does work while he is here.

But it means Anne is taken care of.  Every evening a man comes to do work in her house. Whatever is needed.  

Frank and Jim together are my substitute for Bill.  Of course there is no substitute for a husband.  That is a relationship, special kind of relationship. 

But Frank does all he work Bill used to do.  He takes care of the house.  And Jim drives me everywhere like Bill used to do. 

Instead of hanging out with Bill in the car while he is driving I hang out with Jim while he is driving.  Jim is a lot more relaxed driving than Bill was so we can kid around more.  

Plus driving with Bill is when I got to hear all his thoughts about everything.  I loved it.  With Jim I express myself.  I tell stories.  I tease, I have fun

Frank working is different too.  He works because he loves to work. Because he loves to earn money. And because he loves me.  But of course it is not the same as Bill working to fix up our house.  Frank is working to fix up my house.

He has his own house with Diane and his dogs a few houses down.

He arrives from his house and returns to his house when he is finished.

Because his truck has stopped running, it is convenient for him that he arrives with handtruck and can move heavy things with that.

Both Frank and Jim were born here in Tucson. Jim grew up in this neighborhood.  I guess Frank grew up in the barrio.

Frank quit school at 13 years old and went to work and has been working ever since.  Work is what he likes to do.

Not just hard physical work, he likes decorating also.  After he finished painting all the walls he hung Bill’s paintings up for me.  He did a great job.

It is the joy of my life having Bill’s paintings on the walls.  Bill had them all in his closet.  He didn’t like his art up while he was working. Now I get to enjoy all of it.

Well we’ll see what my new life brings me. The world is brand new, planet is brand new.  Everyone starts their new life today. It is nice having a birthday the same day as everyone.  Not only all the people but the animals, the trees, the plants, the minerals.  Today is our birthday. 

We all moved into a higher dimension together today.

It is our first day all together in this new higher dimension.

We are in the dimension of love. We moved into a higher dimension of love.  All the dimensions are love I now realize.  We just moved up into even more love.  

I wonder how cold it still is out there. Our nights have turned cold.  But when sun is high enuf you can sunbathe in it.  At noon you can sunbathe in sundress.

It is only 9 o’clock now.  But the sun has hit the hammock Frank found and put in my backyard.  Maybe I will try going out to it and see if the sun is warm enuf for me to lie in it for a bit

I love you

Annie